Tim came round to see me and after waffling and making polite conversation for two hours; he finally asked for my blessing to take Jo’s hand in marriage.---
I said, “Thank God for that; I thought you wanted to borrow my drill again.”
I was once usher at a friends Wedding and I asked a lady who was entering the Church, if she was a friend of the Groom. She replied, “Certainly not, I am the Bride’s mother.”
Russell apparently likes music so much, if he heard Kylie Minogue singing in the bath, it would be his ear he put to the keyhole.
Chris came to ask for Pam’s hand in marriage, before they announced their engagement. I said that it was fine by me, providing he took the hand that spent most of it's time in my wallet.
I said to Karen the other day, “ That’s the third time I’ve had to replace the clutch.”
She said, “ Don’t look at me, I never use it.”
We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.
I wouldn’t say Angie is a bad driver, but I would feel safer being driven home by Tiger Woods.
He was a bit of a tearaway in his teens and ended up with a shocking Police record;' Walking on the Moon. '
I heard him asking the assistant in the wine shop, if she could recommend a breakfast wine.
In many ways Trev has been like a son to me; Insolent, ungrateful and disrespectful.
Rob has spent a fortune over the years, some on women, some on drink and the rest he spent foolishly.
She joined Gourmet magazine, but a few months later they tried to buy back her subscription.
She is so successful at shopping, ‘Next’ recently applied for planning permission; to open a branch in their lounge.
I think the main reason for Pete’s lack of luck with the ladies is his chat up line, “I suffer from amnesia; do I come here often?”
Eric once applied to join a lonely-hearts club, but they told him they were not that lonely.
Tim is fearless by nature. The sort of person who jogs home from his own vasectomy.
Her driving is so bad, the RSPCA have taken her nodding dog into protective custody.
He’s so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.
Ian loves taking his dog out for a walk. They often go for a tramp in the woods together; the dog loves it, but the tramp is getting a bit fed up.
One thing that I must mention before I go any further, concerns the Church bells at #. Not many of you will know this, but they are actually rang at weddings by the spirit of a church warden, who passed away a few years ago.----He’s a real dead ringer for love.
Sorry they do get better.
He has a reputation for being a six times a night man;--He’s always had a weak bladder.
My Mother-in-Law has just got a top job in Tsunami prediction; nobody can spot a fault as quickly as she can.
I must say that was a great speech, despite most of the jokes coming from the Victor Meldrew book of wedding humour.
There are 50 pages of useable remarks in the Directory of Humour
